Last night I spent a while watching V get things into her car, ready for her move.

I view her moving with mixed emotions... on the one hand, I will really miss her because I know I won't see her all that often once she's moved. She's normally been here 2-3 days a week depending on what's she's doing--two days she was working out with my sister who's a personal trainer, the other was a "group meeting" day with some of her friends from high school. She always stayed overnight on those days.

The other days she stays at her boyfriend's place (ever since she had a boyfriend) as he lives in Asheville, and since she works in Asheville it's a much easier commute for her from there and makes a lot of sense. Her having an apartment is a positive thing, particularly since it's her own place and she can do with it as she wants (mess and all!), though I know the place she's chosen would not suit me. I feel claustrophobic when I'm in it, it's really very small and a basement apartment to boot, but she's very happy about having her own place so this is unimportant to her at this time. I think it may get to her later, but we'll see, but she only has to live there a year and can then move on if she wants, so it's not like it's anything too permanent.

She will also be taking Ralph, my older dog, with her since he's always been "hers" (he was bought for her originally), though not all at once. She'll be doing that gradually, having him stay just weekends for a couple of weeks, then increasing weekend time to weekdays in order to help acclimate him. I think Ralph's going to have a tough time with it since he's always lived with me, and I know I will really miss him, too. I must say though, it will be easier all around when Tessa (younger dog) has her leg operation.

But once V's got Ralph up there I will probably only see her every couple of weeks at best. She doesn't like talking on the phone much, plus she has her boyfriend and now talks to him about everything rather than me, so I hear very little now about what's going on in her life these days. This is all as it should be--her moving out and becoming truly adult--but I know how much I will miss her. And with a boyfriend now, I expect the tendency will be for me to see her much less than I did when she was at college. No reason for her to come here other than the obligatory "mom" visit--her boyfriend only sees his mother once a month, I suspect I will be relegated to a similar time span.

Last time she moved out, when she was living up at college, I had a great tendency to be really depressed living alone... of course I'm now through the big M so that may help the moods somewhat :-) but I know I'm going to be feeling it for a while. A large part of that is working from home... I don't see anyone else from day to day, she was pretty much the only person I saw other than clerks at the grocery store and once in a while the people at the bank. Not a big social life. But I'm working on changing that--hence the ceramics lessons and starting to do some working out with my youngest sister (which also has better health as a side benefit), just so I get out of the house on a regular basis.

On the plus side, I will be able to accomplish a lot more in my work without all the disruptions when V comes here at night.. whenever V comes in the door she is constantly interrupting me, no matter what I may be doing, to ask about dinner and other things on her mind. It's like a whirlwind comes in the door and has to have attention right then, and oftentimes this throws my train of thought out the window. I will be grateful, at least for a while, not to have this disruption at a time when I still feel awake enough to be able to get something accomplished workwise. This is because I have to work on my own business after 3:30 when I finish working for my associate.. I'm getting tired by that point already, keeping focus at night for the hours I need to put in is not easy, but at least before 7-8 pm I'm still not too tired to get a lot done and get it done right. With V coming in 5:30 or so, I lose that time and have to work when I'm really beat... so this will get easier.

Another plus: V's been very moody around me for a long time now and I won't have to deal with that much any more. She's not that way around the boyfriend--she's very happy when she's with him--it's just around me. L saw it when she was here, V snapping at me when I asked her about work or anything going on with her, as if I were interrogating her.

Clearly V's ready to go and eager to be on her way... the absence will make it a lot easier for her to appreciate me again. She really appreciated me after spending 6 months in Spain and 6 in Mexico for study abroad, I'm hoping that being out on her own in her own place will restore that some of that appreciation again and we can again have the relationship that we ought to have. Nothing like having to do it on your own that makes you appreciate having your parents around. A lot has fallen to me because I've been the parent who's been there. She finds it much easier to deal with her dad because he's never really been there for her since she was 13 and we moved to NC, plus they only talk rarely since he's usually on the road somewhere, so when they're together she treats him in a much nicer way--no water under the bridge as it were.

I am not saying any of this to her, not at this time and maybe never. This is a little more therapeutic, helping me deal with the "empty nest" as it were, and getting back on track with my own life. Clearly I have some work to do in this area, but at least now I can really focus on it and not be concerned about anyone else's but my own needs. That's a big change.